"A
woman is like a tea bag. You don't know how strong she is until you
put her in hot water."
I made my
family leave for vacation at almost 1:00 am on a Saturday. We should
have left Friday morning but I was detained by 'last minute business'.
Of course. And I had to clean the house. (I have to do that before I
leave:
de-sheet the beds, clean out the fridge, box up all the stuff in the
pantry except for canned goods, vaccuum, dust, etc. I don't know why. I
just do.)
I loaded our belongings and then my family into a rented minivan-man, I hate
those things- and drove through the early morning hours until I knew
without a doubt-about the third time I almost drove off the road-that I
had to get a little rest. We meandered down through Oklahoma and part
of Texas all through Saturday afternoon. I couldn't help but glance in
the rear view mirror, studying my kids. Were they bored? Were they
enjoying the ride? Was there enough to keep them busy? They didn't have
a care. They were enjoying that we were all together. For once. And
HenryDog, who had a backseat all to himself and who only tolerates car
rides, was happy too but kept his face buried in that backseat most of the way.
We hit our destination-the big little island of Galveston on a Sunday,
a day before we were supposed to check into our rental house
but we didn't care. It was sunny and humid-people were everywhere. About
the time my oldest boy saw a 'hottie' go riding by on a bicycle in her
'barely there' bikini -which was about 3 minutes after we arrived- he solemnly
declared Galveston his new home. We checked into a hotel and hit the
beach. And after we checked into 'our' beachfront house, it was the beach everyday. Early
morning jogs with Henry, then a swim. In the afternoons we ran
around the Strand or some other attraction and then back to the beach.
Then out to dinner. And if there was time, back to the beach. We are so
brown, my sons and I, that people stared at us when we came back. You
don't get that kind of brown here in Kansas. It will fade soon. Kansas
is a colorless, flavorless state. They prefer it that way. Trust me.
I love
the ocean. I love her and fear her-I respect her.
I like to believe the ocean
is a living organism. With living organisms in it. A whole ecosystem we
know diddlysquat about. Life. The water was clear and so damn warm it was almost hot. I don't remember ever
being in water that warm. Not even in Mexico. I would set
my favorite beach chair in the surf and watch my little tadpoles.
You can go out forever and only be knee deep. I figured one of them
would not like the beach but they both loved it. That thrilled me to
death. We made a sandcastle. We swam. We had fun.
Floating in the warm water, I would hear the muffled sounds of the surf
and my kids as they played. I would close my eyes and think- "This must
be what it's like
to be in the womb." Then my dog, thinking I needed rescuing would try
to drag me out of the water by my hair, swimsuit top or bottom. (I guess
that could be construed as birth, lol...dragged kicking and screaming
from a warm, tranquil and relaxed setting...definitely traumatic!)
I didn't feel bad about coming home. I didn't feel good about it,
either. I felt nothing. I think it was because the whole time I was in
Galveston, on the beach, with warmer than warm water swirling around my
ankles or through hair as I floated willy nilly and listened to the surf, I did
what I do best. I reflected. I had periods of great thought, deep meditations and introspection- while jogging on the
beach at sunup or having my green tea before bed (decaf, of course ) on the deck. I would
think while I watched the surf turn whatever brilliant color with the
sunset. And I would think. And think. And think.
So much crap ran through my head and I evaluated
everything, all of it, no matter how mundane. I found myself wondering
how many souls had been lost in the sea and if
all those souls were to show themselves, could we see the ocean? I
thought about when I was really young, living in California and how a day at
the beach was all fun. It was my sanctuary. I remembered how I figured something
out one day while sitting in the sand that changed the way I looked at everything forever. I
remembered the younger, chubbier me sitting on the beach trying to count how
many times the surf rolled in. I would count and then my little mind would
wander... Then I would try to go back and count again. And lose track
again. I sat and wondered how many times the waves had rolled in on the
shore since the beginning of time? Did we even have a number that big?
In all the time of all the things that had ever happened in all of
history no matter how brutal -none of it had stopped the tide from
rolling in. And I began to figure out that even though I had to be
careful around my father, nothing he could do- none of the yelling
and/or hitting and all round scariness- would stop the tide from
rolling in. He was not that powerful after all. We all had thought that
he
was-but I knew better; I had figured it out. I was still afraid for
my own bones but now I knew- he was just a bully. He was not the ultimate
power, he was just a man. And I was just a child- but knowing this gave
me some of my power back. From then on, I was the only person in my
family to
not back down from him. I didn't challenge him but he was unable to
affect me the way that he had in the past-and I guess he sensed it,
too, because after that, he never bothered/bullied me as much as the
rest of the family. (But then I don't keep toxic people in my life
anyway.) So anyhow, I studied the grains of sand in my hand and I realized I was one of those grains of sand...And my place in the universe was neither significant or non-significant. One grain of sand did not make or break the beach but together, the grains made up something very special...I marvel that I could think that way when I was so young. I'm sorry but I do....
My greatests truths, my biggest breakthroughs have
come during trips to the beach. The Gypsy has her crystal
ball, I have the water, I guess. Steven Tyler, in one of my favorite Aerosmith
songs, Amazing, croons: It's amazing when the moment arrives and you finally see the light. It is. It is truly amazing, the moment of realization. It can make you weep like an infant.
Those 'moments of clarity' are curious things. Like when you've been
going in circles forever and then someone shows you something you were
missing in the directions you were given...Or then there are those V8
moments where you slap yourself in the forehead and say, "Why did I not see it before?" Like when you're looking for something in the store and you stubbornly tell the clerk, "It's not there!" and they walk over calmly, pick out the item you're looking for which is directly in front of your face at eye level....yeah,
it's like that, sometimes... After you get done feeling sheepish,
there's always relief...and like I said before, it can bring tears,
too. Oh- and you never know when it's gonna come, that moment of
clarity. There are no bells. No alarms. No flashing lights. In one
moment, you finally 'get it'.
Amazing.
"Behind every successful woman is herself."
Too long have I sat and waited. Too long have I waited for others who
choose not to participate. I waited because it was the polite thing to
do. It is still the polite thing to do but only for those who choose to
participate.
I realized this and felt relief.
When the inner voice that is half me, half God said, "You go on ahead,
now. I'll handle this...", and I felt a thousand pound weight of
responsibility lift off my chest, I wept.
I've been wanting someone to be
for me the way I am for others. Not to solely exist for my next living
breath but someone who wants to see me succeed and find my bliss...
not be threatened by it. I just think it's nice to have honest perspective outside of your own. I was hoping for someone who was strong enough to say,
"I'm going to tell you the truth because I'd rather have you mad and
not speaking to me by choice instead of making the wrong decision and not speaking to me
because you're dead or some other horrid situation." The only person I know who is like that-is
me.
When I think of all the times when
things were good it was because I reached out and took what I wanted and
did whatever it took to make it a reality. I never stopped to think about why what I was doing was 'not possible' or if I was really 'worthy' of my quest.
Anytime I have conquered,
I have done it while the people closest to me threw rocks at me, told
me what I was doing was 'impossible'. No. Impossible for them...
I learned a long time ago that the people closest to you can slow or
shoot you down. It's not a vindictive action. Honestly. It's just that the
direction you're going is scary to them, so they panic. And in turn it
slows you down, too. They know you're going to a place or a level they
cannot go or are not ready for...
I fought like holy hell to keep us afloat in this business.We went on vacation because I planned it. We stayed in a nice home on the beach because I
worked it around in a way that we could. What we have, we have because
I wasn't afraid to go out and get it. What we don't have is, where
we're not doing well, is because I stood there and held the door open
for people who never wanted to go through to begin with instead of just going through myself. And if I am ever going to get to where I want to be in life, I can't wait on the ones who are too afraid anymore. I've got to walk through that door and let God handle the rest- the responsibility is no longer mine.
So I guess it's all up to me. It always has been, really...I am sad because it is a lonely road I already know and I think that is
what I was mostly tired of- being alone. I always have people in my life but
it is lonely in that I am alone with my thoughts and feelings and in my
drive most of all. I need someone
to encourage me to reach for the top, not the typical, "Why can't you
be happy with what's right in front of you?" (And I want to, I really
do. Life would be so much easier....) But everytime I try, it doesn't work. It's like wearing underwear 4 sizes too small.
I'm also glad I don't have to mind 'the door' anymore, though. I think I could
probably feel silly for minding the door for so long but I when I think
of it, I've met a lot
of people who wanted so much out of life- and were able to attain it-
but were afraid to. I think I came into their lives (and them into
mine) to open that door for them. But they had to make the decision to go through it. I always ended up moving on to bigger and better things one way or another. But sometimes, I get tired of losing people.
And you know what? I just thought of something- every 5 years, my life transitions into something else. So, I'm about due for some changes, I guess...?
Well, whatever happens, I will have to be my own drill sergeant, my own cheerleader. That is both disappointing & yet a relief. I know I can count on me, at least! lol
Let's get going, then.
