Boys are gross. They are. They can be so gross. It cracks me up. I can't help it. I laugh. Have I lost my sensibilites as a female- as a mother?   No. I never had them. (ha!)

My sons can be so disgusting. And the stories they tell about their day in school. Today they told me 'Larry' told another boy, "I'll give you my light saber if you touch this pen."  "Ok," said the classmate. Larry then shoved the pen down his pants, pulled it back out and said, "Here."   That's gross. So why am I laughing?  The only admonishing thing I could say was, "That's it, nobody borrows a pen from Larry, got it?"

My oldest son likes to curl up next to me and put his arms around me and say, "I love you, Momma." And then I smell it. I shriek. While I bolt from the sofa he's laughing like the devil. And so am I. (My youngest is not innocent- he's the 'silent but deadly' ninja in our house-booby traps are his specialty.)

I like that there is a lot of laughter in my house. But then I wonder-are we laughing at the right things? I know the other parents in my kids school are so uptight they squeak when they walk. I can't imagine having to be so serious all the time. So...grown up. I hate when I doubt myself about these things. But somehow it always ends up I was worried for no real reason.  I forgot to remember: I have never done anything 'right' in my entire life and have yet to regret it. As long as I maintain the parent-child relationship, who gives a flying whizz.

They put straws in their armpits and then blow on them. A duet of 'flatulence' is my soundtrack from the backseat of the car during the ride home from school many days.

The made up songs that are disgusting/lewd (but not R-rated)...the mooning, the pranks, the silliness...I wouldn't give up one minute of it. I know eventually when their off in their own lives, I'll be wishing to have just one minute of that insanity back.

But then, in my old age, I'll go live with them. And the body noises and the smells and other oddities will begin again. But this time-it'll be me! 

My oldest turns 12 today. Wow. Who'da thought he'd make it this far...

12. 12? 12!!!

I haven't had much go right in life..it's not been easy--but I have to say I lucked out in the kid department. I always wanted boys- 5 of them but I wimped out at just 2. But they are lovely people and I am a very proud mama. Every parent is biased of course but my kids got the best of everything in the looks department. Their mother, me, being biracial and their father white, I have one son (oldest)with blond hair and blues eyes and one (youngest) with beautiful mocha skin and deep brown hair and eyes. People ask if I am 'stepmom' or if my oldest is 'adopted' or if the boys have the same father. (Somehow that one offends me-not sure why) No, I say, it's just a lesson in genetics. Gorgeous kids. Lucky me.

But they're not all looks. They're smart. And sweet. And amazing. Complete pains in the ass. I love it.

I have a tendency to get in a mood. And stay in that mood. And stew. My oldest is the only person on this earth who can totally disarm me in the blink of an eye. This boy, this child, can pull me out of it-by saying something so offhand, something that I you're just not expecting, something so out of this world that before you know it, you're literally on the floor laughing, gasping for air. One day, and it was a bad day, some prick in a giant SUV pulled out in front of me in a construction zone. He saw me coming and pulled out anyway. I braked so hard everything in the car went flying. Thank God for seatbelts. I was infuriated. "You know, " I ranted, "it must be real nice, real nice to be able to just be so full of yourself that you're ready to cause an accident with a woman with children in the car. [expletive, expletive, expletive, expletive]...I wonder what it's like to walk this earth and think absoloutely nothing of people around you! Self centered jacka**!! I wonder what it's like to be a complete A**HOLE!"

My son, who never takes his eyes off his Gameboy says, in his most waspy British, Thurston Howell the III voice..."You should try it some time. You're missing out."

You had to be there. It was just not something I expected out of the mouth of a nine year old. It caught me so off gaurd, I had to pull into a close by parking lot until I could finish laughing and not be the cause of an accident myself.

I could give a hundred examples when his glib comments shed light for me. It's like one of those pull shades flipping up suddenly and lettin' in all the sunlight!! I don't know how he does it or where it came from. All I know is he's the only person in the world who can do it.

I look at him and already at 12, I see the beginnings of a good build even though he isn't all that athletic. That hair that just seems to fall in the right place, always. The blue eyes that change shades depending on what he's wearing. The smooth golden brown of his skin from playing in the pool at gramma's. Oh God, he's going to be a beautiful man. And best of all, he's funny as hell.

I can't help but think--did that come outta me? lol

And I pray- dear God let me do good by him. I'm 'hard' on him compared to most parents today. But if I am it's because I look into his face and I see endless possibilities and I want him to be able to go out and snatch the world by the throat when it's time. There's something in him. It would be a disservice to him and to God to let it go to waste. I do not know that who he is now is who he will always be-that remains to be seen. But I can hardly wait to see.

It's strange that he seeks me out for hugs. That he tells me everything. (Sometimes things I really didn't want to know-'bathroom habits' and such..lol) But I'm glad. Because these were things I could not do with my own parents. It's just awkward, sad to say. The one thing that makes my heart skip and brings tears to my eyes and takes my breath away is that one day it might stop. That in his teenagehood, I will become the enemy, an intruder and he will shut me out. If so, I will understand. It's a stage in development. And I will have to wait until he is 37 years old before he realizes I'm not out to get him. I would wait for that. I would wait a million years.

My stubborn, bossy, loving, glib, hysterical, hunky, charming, sometimes self centered, mouthy, video game addicted, brownie lovin', big footed, Jim Carrey impersonatin', sensitive, insensitive, nobody-picks-on-my-younger-brother-but-me, 80 pound gorilla in training, heart thievin' son is 12 today.

12. 12? 12!!!

God, I'm old....

Our family is proud to announce our newest addition:

 

 

weight: 78.6 lbs

length:  58  inches (from nose to tail)

hair:  solid black

eyes:   brown

place of adoption:   Kansas Humane Society

'gotcha' date:    7/07/05

age:   1 (& a half)

name:  we don't know yet!!

 

Just when we were about to give up hope, there he was in the very last kennel.   The one.

 

 

I could never take naming things lightly.

To me, a name is an important thing-to a degree. Go around identifying who you are as a person by just your name and you're likely to experience situations meant to remind you that you are more than just 'Dave Wiznewski'. Sometimes you learn a name 'don't mean a thing'. At the same time, not honoring your name, attaching little or no importance to it at all, can take the oomph out of your existence.

Isn't it funny how when you read the definition or the root of your name it rings true a lot of the time? Maybe not every detail but think of it this way- would Donald Trump be 'The Donald' if his mother had gone with Wilbert instead? (Look! Here he comes! It's 'The Wilbert'!) Who would you choose as a surgeon: Dr. Reginald Koop, III or Dr. Marilyn Manson? We all know celebrities change their birthnames to instill the sense of virility or sensuality or 'starpower'. You think 'Carmen Electra' is her real name?

I named my dog Henry. I agonized over the last couple days finding a name that fit. I almost named him John Coffey (yes, The Green Mile) because he's big, black, intimidating and as gentle as the falling rain. That and he's afraid of the dark. But it just didn't seem 'right'. Call him Bruiser or Bocephus, my husband said. That lead to visions of my new dog passed out and farting on the front porch after lapping up a bowful of Hormel Chili. No. No, no, no. Blackie? No imagination in a name like that. Goofy? He'll end up with his head stuck in a mayonnaise jar. No. Duke? Sam? Max? Everyone has a dog named Duke, Sam or Max. Too common. No. I looked at Spanish names, Italian names and German names. I even went through the list of famous people/great men. Benjamin Franklin? That lead to visions of a dog in bifocals with a kite and a key. No. Mahatma Ghandi? That lead to visions of a dog who refuses his Alpo. No. Albert Einstein? Cute, but not a, um, fair representation. The only name I was leaning towards was William. It seemed to fit in some way, shape or form. I took my regal yet nameless pooch, jowls and all, into my hands and said. "What is your name?"

It was time to go to the park around the corner. We hadn't been in almost 3 hours. But first I needed to make a pitstop at the bathroom-and after convincing him I didn't need his help (shoving him out the door-which is great exercise since I don't outweigh him by much) I washed my hands, threw the door open and there he was- wagging. Out of nowhere I said "Hello, Henry!" like I was hailing a neighbor or somethin'...and just like that he had a name.

I went to the computer and looked up 'Henry'. Protector of the house. Then I looked up 'William'. It means strong. Just like his muscled body. He even got a last name. VanCouer. Couer means heart. VanCouer means 'of heart'. It is a, um, fair representation.

The first day we had Henry, we took him to the park where he made a beeline for some kids digging in the sand by the end of the slide. I cringed. His being so big and not totally knowing his temperament made me very nervous about the way he loped up to those kids. He stopped short of them and eased into their group. They petted him and scratched his ears. They hugged him. They climbed on him. They put a sunbonnet on his head. He loved every minute of it. When we were almost out of the park, one of the little boys got hurt and started crying. Henry turned straight for him. When he was sure everything was ok, we were able to leave. I'm not sure I even know people who act like that.

So far, Henry William VanCouer is a good, strong dog, protector of house and fridge-and little kids. There is a good part of goofball in HenryDog, too, thankfully. So, did he make his name or did his name make him? A little of both, maybe...? However it goes, I thumb my nose at those who chided my need to find the 'right' name for my dog. Ha.

Last Sunday my oldest woke up with a fever. He gave me a hug upon waking up and it was like wrapping my arms around an inferno. His flushed ears and rosy cheeks were my indicators that something was not right. Plus, he didn't have his usual spark.

Now, I am the 'mean mom'. My kids never come to me and say they're bored or else they know mom will find them something to do and it is never any fun, so don't bother. It's no use asking mom for cash because whatever you ask for she will say, "Yes, of course you can have $5. How would you like to earn it?" And when mom says "Get stuff picked up off the floor, please.", you do it or else she'll clean it up- and her version of cleaning is to throw everything away and you don't get to fish it out of the trash.

But God forbid if one of my children fall ill. Then I become Florence Friekin' Nightengale. Do you need another pillow? Done. You want pudding? Done. Is that bird outside your window chirping too loud? Want me to kill it? Done.

I can't stand for my kids to be sick. It is my Achilles' Heel. Nobody is allowed to even breathe while my children are sick. Everything goes on hold until I know for sure my child is fine. I check them frequently and watch them closely, looking for signs of anything I didn't see before; something that could turn into some God awful episode of ER. I monitor fluid intake and fluid 'outgoes'. In between sterilizing everything in the house, I'm hovering like a nervous butterfly...

Whatever it was, the fever was gone by late afternoon and I could tell my son was better when he started his wisecracks about something he saw on TV. I told him to go put his cup in the sink and he fell on the couch, hand thrown back across his forehead and with his best Southern accent he said, "I feel faint. I think you better do it instead..." I can't help but laugh at him. "Get off your butt." I say. "I should have pretended I was still sick." he said. "You can't," I tell him, "because I always know when my children are really ill and when they're not." "How?" he challenges. And I have to admit, I don't know how I know- but I always know.

So I counter with: "Because I'm the one who put the poison in your cup last night!" And that gets things going in the house. We laugh a lot and I think that that is probably something that keeps us from getting sick very often. There is definitely something unwell about a house that has no laughter in it!

• I learned that just because someone refers to you as 'wife' does not necessarily mean you will have a voice or opinion that counts. To some men, the word 'wife' equals 'enemy'. A 'we' vs. 'they' mentality makes for a shitty partnership. A united front cannot be made possible when there is division in the ranks.
  
• I learned to never ignore your gut, no matter what. NO. MATTER. WHAT.
  
• I learned to never fight someone else's battles. Let them clean up their own mess. Anyone who is ok with letting you do that is of questionable and lousy character.
  
• I learned that nobody-not even those closest to you- is looking out for you-and that the ability to do just that requires a selflessness that most people do not have because it requires courage to put yourself last. Not many people do things without their own agenda somewhere under the surface.
• I learned when a group of men get together, they can revert to apes.
• I learned it is better for kids to be from a broken home than to exist in one.
• I learned that if you ask logical and reasonable questions and no one has any answers or seems to avoid giving any answers--haul ass.
• I learned that you will physically live through the most emotionally, mentally and psychologically torturous days you've ever experienced and all you can do some days is live from one breath to the other. There will be a day where you'll be able to look back at it all. And in some instances, that's all that matters. Not that you 'get' something from it or take it as some 'enlightening learning experience'-but that you literally just survive. You can turn it into a chapter of your lifestory later.
• I learned I can be hard as steel. I can chew nails and spit rivets. I'm afraid of very little anymore. I was meant to run and own businesses.
  
• I learned being afraid is a nice luxury. I miss it some days.
  
• I learned I am not stupid.
• I learned that any man who lets or makes you cry-ever- and worry about your future, the roof over your head or the future of your children is not a man and should not have a high chance of being in your life much longer. Live safe, not in danger. It's possible that there is no such thing as reincarnation. This life may be it.
  
• I learned that you can be enough, just not enough for some people.

To dream that you are cleaning, implies that you are removing some negativity in your life and overcoming major obstacles. You are moving ahead toward a new stage in your life. In particular, if you are cleaning your house, then it signifies that you need to clear out your thoughts and get rid of your old ways and habits. You are seeking self-improvement.

I have two fish in separate bowls and their water is really dirty. So I decide to clean one of the fishbowls.
To see fish swimming in your dream, signifies insights from your unconscious mind.

To see an aquarium/fisbowl in your dream, signifies that you have acknowledged your emotions but have not yet confronted them. Thus, it may refer to your unconscious thoughts or repressed sexual desires. Also, you may feel that your life is going no where or that you feel it is going in circles.
To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To see muddy or dirty water in your dream, indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions.

This part I've had a 'sit-and-think' about. In my dream I think I told my husband, I was 'almost done' and he immediately picks up one fishbowl and pours it in the other. He doesn't pour the clean into the dirty- he pours the dirty into the clean. If the second (dirty) fishbowl was 'his' then it could point to sabotage-or knowing things are about to 'change' because I am 'almost done' he delays this by creating a situation that was unnecessary...which is why I got so pissed-because I do feel that he does this, I do feel that he creates chaos to keep things from progressing naturally...

I start yelling at him, asking him why he did that, that I had just cleaned the one fishbowl and that the two fish weren't even supposed to be in the same bowl together and before my very eyes the one fish grows giant teeth and bites the other fish and starts eating him. It was gross.
To see intestines in your dream signifies evil, disaster, and extreme misfortune.
(Don't even know if fish have intestines--it was just a horrifying scene of carnage....)

I was so angry and in tears. I kept asking my husband why, why he did not listen to anything I said, why he couldn't do what I asked, why he had to ruin everything. I asked him what his motivation was in putting the dirty water into the clean. I demanded to know if it was a turn on to just destroy everything, if that was the way it was always going to have to be...
They say anger in dreams is just that-anger.

I am definitely looking to improve myself, yet again. I feel there's always room for it and hey, I got nothin' but time anyway...I wrote previously that about every 5 years, I go through a life change and it is moving into that time now. (Time to clean the fishbowl! ) I don't know why I feel the need to do it-it's just something that happens. In all honesty, it seems like I always end up leaving the person in my life behind during those times. Not on purpose, it just seems like they think just because I'm changing or improving as a human being that I'm leaving them behind somehow. I'm not. But they seem to get so threatened by it. I don't think I am going anyplace they can't go but they don't seem to think they can...They get so frightened that they begin to -what I call -'throw rocks at me' and I get upset at that because I thought that they would be the ones to truly encourage me to be the best that I could be, to seek out my truth. But they don't. I really and honestly have a hard time believing that people are really content to be malcontent. In my gut I feel that is a lie and I know logically people can be too scared to do anything about it-it's just hard for me to swallow that they would keep others from attaining their peace...

My other dream:

Likewise, the night before, I have a dream that I follow this man, who I do not know, into a house. It was my old house, I think. It was not in disrepair but no one had taken any special care of it.

To see a house in your dream, represents your own soul and self.

The stucco had been painted a powder blue.

Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. The presence of this color in your dream, may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind.

The minute I got in the house I knew I was in trouble. I didn't even struggle as the man forced me onto the couch-but nothing happened because I reasoned my way out of 'it'. I actually talked him out of a rape.

It suggests that you are feeling violated in some way. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you.

I run out into the street to tell my mother and I tell her I talked the man out of doing 'something' to me. She sneers "Waddya mean 'doing something' to you?" So I stomp my foot. I wanted to punch her- I did, in the arm- and tell her I talked him out of raping me and she just shakes her head at me and says "Oh-is that all?" And acts like I had just told her the sky was blue...

To dream that you are having a conversation with your mother, denotes a matter that has preoccupied your mind and you are not sure how to deal with it in your waking life. It indicates unresolved problems that still need to be worked out with your mother.

I found this by accident- but when I tell my mother of the incident and she blows me off- I remember catching a glimpse of a police car speeding through the neighborhood.

To see the police in your dream, indicates some failure to perform or to honor obligations and commitments.

It's no new concept that my husband and my mother are pretty much the same people-give or take the facial hair. They are so alike that everything my husband does reeks of what I lived through with my mother. My husband rushed into a business venture without thinking and in a nice way of putting things, 'disaster struck'. My mother used to do the same thing-except with men. She'd rush into a relationship/marriage with someone she barely knew (like my husband rushed into his venture with a person he barely knew) and, ahem, disaster would ensue. It would be nothing but chaos. Then they both whine and bitch about everything and everyone who did them wrong until the next business venture/man comes along. Then it's like nothing ever happened and they're at it again...Of course, all the meanwhile, I'm trying to be the voice of reason in a hurricane of stupidity and I should have known better. I was too young to understand how to not get caught up in my mother's BS-but I should have known with my husband-but I did it anyway and that's why I'm so mad at myself. I didn't recognize that history was repeating itself...not until it was too late.( I'm a slow learner.) I find it very significant that in my dream, I was able to talk and convince a rapist out of doing something that they almost can't control-yet neither my husband or my mother refuse to hear me. Not that they can't physically hear me-they refuse to recognize or validate traumatizing situations that aren't their own. It was jarella who pointed out to me that in both dreams I wasn't being heard and that is a major big point with me. I jokingly said that maybe that is why I am so mouthy-because I try to get people to hear me...? But maybe it is not so much a joke...

But I question why I am here again. Am I supposed to resolve this issue somehow? I never resolved it with mom because-she wouldn't hear me. My mother, just like my husband, floats on the surface of everything. Everything is utter chaos-but I know that is a trick to keep the dust kicked up so you never have to deal with what's in front of you. When the mind is quiet it returns to itself and sometimes confronting the self is the scariest thing a person can do-so they don't. They continually put themselves in situations that will never contribute to a moment's peace.

I truly think the reason I did not see this in my husband before is when I met him he was doing extremely well in his job and had been for years. I think he placed all his stock in that basket. After a few years when he got the opportunity to run his own business, he was overconfident in his abilities. When the rug got ripped out from under him, he had nothing to stand on. He had defined himself externally and when 'the job' wasn't there to gauge himself with, he imploded. We had not been through anything really bad until this. And now that we are here, I feel like I know where this will go because I've seen it already with my mother. Honestly, I'm not interested in where its going and honestly again-there will be nothing I can say or do that will make a difference unless he wants it to be different for himself....

I let the ball roll where it will. I know better than to try and control the motion of the ocean or the rising of the sun in the east...

What precious metal has had more of an appeal and allure to man through the ages than gold?

Throughout history, gold has largely proven its staying power. These days, it is not only a unique and diverse investment but a tried and true method of protecting and preserving wealth and purchasing power. If that makes you wonder about investing in precious metals, or if you’ve ever even thought about gold as an investment either in coin form or ingots (gold bullion cast in a convenient size and shape), then it’s time to contact Monex Deposit Company.

With Monex, you can purchase gold (or other precious metals) and have them delivered right to your person- and even to your personal bank or depository. To do something like this requires trust- and with Monex, you don’t get to be America’s gold and precious metals investment leader for over 30 years without it. Monex Precious Metals hires only experienced hard asset professionals that are dedicated to bringing you the best service in precious metals investment. For Monex and its staff, being America’s foremost dealer with convenient market and competitive precious metal prices is as good as gold.

The role that getting an education plays in life has taken on more meaning than ever before. A professional wanting to give him or herself a leading edge knows that a continuing education program in their chosen profession will provide exactly what they’re looking for.

If you’re that professional who’s looking for the same thing, it’s time to consider Capella University. Founded in 1993, Capella has consistently offered accredited courses to thousands helping not only to further careers but fueling the minds of those who drive today’s industries into tomorrow.

At Capella, you can take a college course online in any one of the following:

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You can receive your bachelor’s degree in business and information technology or take on any one of the 76 graduate programs, undergraduate specializations or 16 certificate specializations. With approximately 16,000 online students across the U.S. and 63 countries worldwide, you know Capella University is making the ranks as a leader of online education. This can only be done by providing the highest of quality in online academics.

Capella University is an accredited* online university, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Capella Education Company with headquarters in Minneapolis.

For more information, please visit:

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 *Capella University is accredited by The Higher Learning Commission and a member of the North Central Association of Colleges and Schools, located at 30 N. LaSalle Street, Suite 2400, Chicago, IL 60602-2504, (312) 263-0456, www.ncahigherlearningcommission.org.

Don’t care what you say, the commercial where the boy trades his Skittles for the singing white rabbit is the funniest commercial out there. Probably funnier to me than you because I actually had a rabbit that looked exactly like that and he was every bit as obnoxious as the one in the commercial. I imagine if he had the ability to sing, he would have sounded just like the rabbit on TV and he would have sang all day and all night, too- just to get on my nerves. Instead, he had to settle for slinging his food dish around in his gigantico rabbit palace/cage at 3 o clock in the morning.

I miss him.

Having taken up some work and writing (not quite) 100 descriptions for cities in Europe, I have come to realize something: I have never wanted to visit the place. As much as we romanticize France and trips to Paris and honeymoons in Italy and all that good stuff, I've never wanted to go there. Like, if some guy knocked on my door and said, "Hey. You wanna go to Europe?" And I said, "You payin'?" And he said, "Yeah." I'd be all like, "Ok." But I've never had a burning desire to visit that part of the globe for myself- and I love to travel. My son wants to go to Europe, though and I'm all for it. I think I would like to visit Ireland or Scotland maybe but you know where I've always wanted to go? Vietnam. India. Malaysia.

I'm sure Europe is lovely, though. For some reason, it just never had any appeal! (I think it's 'cuz I may have lived there already in so many of my past lives or something.)

Over 500,000 healthcare professionals now have access to the online version of a mobile drug and formulary guide made available by the leading developer of mobile applications, Epocrates Inc. By providing this online service, any healthcare professional with an internet connection can gain access to critical and lifesaving data on over 3300 different types of drugs. For example, a healthcare professional who looks up the antibiotic Amoxicillin will find information about its dosing, pricing, potential drug interactions and formulary coverage with Medicare Part D.

Epocrates finds its success by designing products for practicing physicians by having practicing physicians as the designers of the products themselves. Who better to know what information is going to be the most useful to a physician than an actual physician?

When a physician doesn’t have to spend time weeding through medical texts and references for information, it only means there’s more time for the patient.

Using Epocrates is how many clinicians save valuable time during their workday.

Alongside of the informative drug guide, doctors will find formulary information on over 130 health plans, including those on Medicare Part D. With this information readily available, Healthcare professionals can find the best options for their patients when it comes to formulary status, drug coverage, and alternative/generic prescription options.

Clinicians looking to gain a web reference with a wider range are encouraged to subscribe to the Epocrates Online premium product. Those who sign up for the premium version of the online reference will find:

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This company has steadfastly worked to build a network of over 500,000 healthcare professionals and has steadily and successfully worked at producing positive results in the fields of patient safety, healthcare efficiency and patient satisfaction.

Of the 500 fastest-growing private companies in the country ranked by Inc. Magazine, Epocrates ranked 176^th.

So watch out. This isn’t the last you’ll be hearing of Epocrates, Inc.

Nobody said that planning a wedding was easy what with the cake and the gowns and the flowers and the invitations… It seems like the work is never done!

If you're lucky, you're on the other side of things. Maybe. That is unless  you still haven’t picked out a gift for the prospective couple. Don’t start to worry yet! You can save yourself the time, money and- best of all- the hassle of trying to find that gift that says: ‘I didn’t wait until the last minute to go out and buy you a gift! Really!’

A super fantastic site called Shop For Weddings  is just like it sounds! It’s a wedding superstore on the internet that is the number one place to find personalized wedding favors and gifts. If you have the opportunity to give yourself a break and NOT run around town willy-nilly, why not do it!

I don’t know about your experience in timeshare but if you’ve been flirting with the idea of owning your own part of vacation home on the powdery slopes in Colorado or maybe on the golden beaches of Florida- and you don’t want to be hassled with unscrupulous sales tactics- let’s talk a little about Fairfield Resorts.

For those who don’t know, Fairfield Resorts is the little company that started out in a tiny location in Arkansas back in 1966 selling subdivided lots that has now turned into a vast network of resorts and travel services. When the concept of timeshares took off in 1979, so did Fairfield Resorts.

Fairfield Resorts was the first to offer FAX- or the FairShare® Exchange- and FairShare Plus®, an innovative program that allowed flexibility in providing accommodation for folks and their families during their vacation time. By providing customers with the ability to choose the location, length of stay, time of year and the size of the unit for their vacation, Fairfield Resorts shot to the top of the list in the hospitality industry, earning Gold Crown and Resort of International Distinction rankings by RCI (Resort Condiminiums International); the top award only  10% of timeshare properties throughout the world have been able to earn.

Today, over half a million families take their vacation in Fairfield Resort timeshares in 70 world-class venues in 21 states and U.S. territories. With the most desirable destinations readily available, you can always find somewhere in the world to get away with Fairfield Resorts!

It's one thing to be a dumbass and PUT yourelf in mortal danger but because I am a morbid person who likes to think of morbid things, I often wonder if I've ever come close to death- but didn't know it. I like to wonder if I've ever sat next to a serial killer on the bus or if I've ever stood in line in front of or behind someone who murdered their spouse and got away with it.

I wonder if there was a day where I came within a hair's width of death but because I turned right or left, I escaped from its clutches. It's kind of like that Greenday video where all the guys are walking down the street unaware of the car wrecks and explosions going on within inches of them- narrowly being missed each time as they carry on without a care in the world...

I remember once- back in the day when you could do this- I was about 10 and I was flying out to L.A. to see my dad for the summer and I had a 3 hour layover in Las Vegas. I wasn't one to wander so I sat in the empty terminal, waiting. Then I notice this guy in the terminal across from me. He's watching me. So I get up and move. And gets up and moves. I get up and go to the little giftshop. He stands outside the giftshop. I decide to go to the bathroom. I stay there as long as I can manage. I come out, he's standing across from the women's bathroom. Using the cover of two old ladies, I whisk past him and go sit in a terminal that is full of people until it comes time for my flight. He disappears.

How close did I come to danger that day? Who knows. He coulda been a pervert. He coulda been a guardian angel against a pervert that was watching me that I couldn't see. But I always wonder.

We used to have this guy that came into one of our stores; he was a big guy, a lumbering guy- but he wasn't 'dangerous' because he was, well, a little slow. Come to find out his mother died and he'd been keeping her in the freezer. She did die of natural causes and because he didn't have enough money to give her a proper funeral, he didn't say anything. For about a year. I'd seen him but paid little attention to him. When I found out it sort of gave me the willies. I'd been making small talk with a guy who was ok with keeping his mom in a deep freezer.

It's weird to think about it all and kind of entertaining- to me at least.

Hey! What's this! Somebody dropped a brand new shiny dime!

*leans down to pick it up as knife flings (thwak) into the wall*

Gosh, I'm such a lucky girl!

*puts dime in pocket and strolls away, whistling*

Psst.

I have a confession to make.

C'mere.

Closer.

Don't tell anybody but- sometimes I pray. And it works.

Not only do I pray for myself, there's this place online that I posted a prayer to once 'cuz I was feeling oh so low that day and all these people I never even met prayed for me- now I go there regularly and pray for them, too.

And it works.

At first, the site would send me updates but I never answered them. Then one night I cleaned out my email and started answering some of the prayer requests. And of course, being the smart-ass that I am, I took on the part in my head of the televangelist with a southern accent and bad suit as I began handing out amen's and hallelujah's and 'glory! glory! glory's...

But then it started to flow. It started to be real and it felt good. So now I go there and I pray for people and every once in a while, I ask them to pray for me, too.

Does prayer work?

Yes. Without a doubt. And the good news is, if it can work for this foul-mouthed brat, it can work for anybody.

Who hasn’t thought of a family trip to Orlando, Florida? But what about a trip to Orlando for Christmas? Let’s face it, everyone loves tradition but why not make the holiday extra special this year?  With theme park and beaches and the most family friendly atmosphere of any city- what doesn’t Orlando have? Competitive rates throughout the year never make a trip to Orlando completely out of the question and these Orlando vacation home rentals can cost way less than other popular destination stays. It’s been in the back of your mind anyway. I know it, you know it, the American people know it. So go ahead and check it out! Your family is gonna love you for it!

....'cuz if they did- would they really be driving like that?

Check this out! Have you ever watched a movie with a lot of car chase scenes and tons of wreckage and thought: “Who’s going to pay for all this? That guy’s insurance company is going to have a file cabinet with just his name on it!”

Well, guess what? Progressive Direct is teaming up with Universal Home Studios to insert a running tally of the damage in car wreck scenes in "The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift"!  As cars smash into each other, a little display in the corner pops up and says: “Tail lights: $355. Side mirror: $55” etc….

Thanks to the growing use of interactive features on HD DVDs, product placement like Progressive’s are just the tip of the iceburg.  HD DVD’s have as much as 6 times the data capacity of regular DVDs so this leaves a nice amount of space for other features such as games, commentaries and of course the ‘product placements’. That’s solid gold for advertisers- and the ones selling the space!

The good news is, it’s not like you have to watch the whole movie with the tally going on. It’s an interactive feature- which means you have to turn it on in order to see it. So is it a great advertising and marketing scheme after all? In return for the tally on the DVD, progressive set up a website to promote ‘Fast and the Furious: Tokyo' and set up contests to entice younger targets. It’s a quid pro quo and probably too new to tell what will take and what will not.

Sure, this could be a fun way to get a free online car insurance quote, but when you want to watch a movie. You want to watch movie, ya know? I guess it’s better than watching the same old ad over and over again!

It’s in the stars, upheaval is everywhere. The dems have taken back the House and the Senate, Rumsfeld picked up his toys and went home... and Britney is finally dumping K-fed’s sorry ass.

Why should I care?

Why should I care in this truly momentous time what any ‘celebrity’ is doing?

Because- I’m morbid.

You know that that slimeball husband of hers is going to try and get custody of those kids based on those pictures of her driving around with her son in her lap- not to mention all the other mishaps. (Somewhere I read an article that referred to her son as Sean ‘perpetual accident’ Preston…that made me laugh until I had tears coming down my face.)

But will any judge let him have those kids? C’mon now.

It won’t matter if Britney comes to court draggin’ poor Sean ‘perpetual accident’ Preston by the foot and knockin’ his head around as she waves her arm around proclaiming: “Yer honor, I am a good muh-ther. I am. I AM!” (whack, thud)

The judge will still let her leave with those babies because K-fed…well, he’s an ass.   Period.

It will be a sight, though, I’m sure.

Won’t be as great as when Katie makes a run for freedom from Tom, though.

In a few moments, I have to get back to work and I am dreading it. A huge project and no time to do it. Why? Because. It’s one of those frickin’ subjects that can’t be elaborated on: window treatments.

How does one do 40,000 words on window treatments? They go up, they go down and they block the sun. What more does anyone need to know? But here I am trying to pry this huge amount of something out of nothing and still sound brilliant, make it flow and ‘inform the reader’. THEY GO UP, THEY GO DOWN AND THEY BLOCK THE SUN. What else is there? Oh, yeah. There’s a $1000.

Back to work. Did I mention how much I LOVE window treatments….?

So you have a website and you want to increase its link popularity?  Not a prob. All you have to do is be a mathematician and figure out Google’s algorithms. See? Easy!

Yeah, I’m not a mathematician either.

But that’s ok. We can still talk.

Saying that we concentrate on Google here, we can say that Google drives its traffic to websites that rank at the top of their ‘organic’ results. It looks at on-site and off-site factors to determine rank results. Off site factors make for 35- 45% of the importance to Google’s algorithm.

Page rank is like the score Google gives your website to determine how popular it is on the internet. However, page rank doesn’t really mean as much as it used to when it comes to Google’s algorithm and this is what has people all fouled up. In the race and struggle for a top page rank so many people manipulated the system that the algorithm dropped it as a priority- it lost its value. It still has value BUT there is a difference in having 1000 links from different websites as opposed to 100 links from different websites with a good page rank. Believe it or not, citizens: 1000 links from different websites with low levels of Page Rank work better in increasing your rankings within the organic results of Google.

Did you also know that in Google’s algorithm, the quality of the page that the link is given more value when the link is within textual content as opposed to just sitting at the bottom of the page in a list of links? Betcha didn’t know that one! Truthfully neither did I! But this is all leading somewhere, I’m telling you- stick with me.

Google eyes all the text and all the little things like SEO factors and H1 tags and those funky things that we know a little bit about but not a whole bunch and determines how targeted the text is compared to the link. It even determines how the words are related to each other.

And so press release distribution becomes an effective way to increase link popularity. (That’s right you read it here.) What happens though is you have to have content that’s interesting enough for other people to want to write- and read- about it. If you get links from a broker but they may be within the textual content- and then Google drops it like a hot rock when it’s placed at the bottom of websites with a bunch of other outbound links.

Of all the methods to increase link popularity, blogs are your answer. Yes, BLOGS. Naturally filled with content that search engines crave, blogs are like the kid tested mother approved cereal of cyberdom. Trouble is, you’ll need more than just one blog to make it all happen. You’ll need lots and lots of them.

So then- do you need to increase your link popularity? (C’mon, you always wanted to be popular- admit it!)

Then what you need is Blogitive because Blogitive was created for this very reason. With more than 2000 blogs in its network (and gaining), bloggers await to post a web release linking to your website on their blog in any manner you want, including any URL and any keyword phrase you desire! It’s your birthday- you call the shots!

Go ahead! Visit Blogitive.com and get the skinny on this cost effective method of getting into the top search engine rankings.

Marcie Davis may have said you’d never be popular in third grade- but she didn’t know what she was talking about.

From time to time, I plan to post links here to things I have written on sites that earn me a little bit of dough, a little bit at a time.

One such place is Helium. You write, they pay. Sound good?

Hold up and listen to me for a second.

Look at the title of this entry. Look at the 'passive income' part with great scrutiny.

All these sites that say -WRITE NOW, GET PAID- pay you cents at a time. Not good for those of you looking to pay off that BMW. People flock to these sites -and yes some of them do make inflated claims- and get frustrated that they only make pennies at a time. And I say, oh but honeychild- you oughta know at your age there ain't no such thing as a free lunch. I know they solve crimes on CSI in 30 minutes and SuperNanny quiets a home in one episode but that's TV; and we silly Americans need to pull our heads out of our asses and get over this instant gratification garbage we're all so obsessed with.

Passive income builds. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to build. These sites won't pay you until you reach a payout level of $5, $10, $25 or $100. That can take a while. BUT if you have a number of these sites to visit and you don't go overboard and spend 3 hours obsessively trying to write a single paragraph that's only going to earn you a few cents- it's totally worth it. Because with a few tricks and tweaks and networking, that passive income will build. NO YOU WILL NOT BE A MILLIONAIRE IN 6 MONTHS. Get past that right now. What's nice is once you get going, there is a little extra cash every month. Cash is nice. Cash is good. You get a paypal account and every once in a while, there's a little extra change in there. Which is nice for when you've got all your primary income mapped out for the month. You can take part of it, save, it invest it, etc- and that's how you do smart money. You make a little bit of passive income and you squirrel it away here and there.

So if you can write an email, you can create a passive income for yourself. (And you should be able to write an email if you're keeping a blog! )

It's easy to create passive income by taking a few minutes every day to write something useful to share with others. You won't get rich overnight. Anything worth doing takes time.

In keeping with the previous post I wrote about creating passive income, there are ways to also generate not so passive income and make money online  Remember- it’s never an easy haul but this is the income from writing that has generated $1000 a week for some people. If you’re able to keep a blog and have an ability to write press releases that explain the aspects of new and different products, then you can write for Blogitive and earn $5 per approved posting. That may not seem like much at first but when you factor in that there’s an opportunity to write a number of press releases coupled with the fact that you can have more than one blog; and then you factor in that there is no pre-determined cash out level AND you get paid weekly…well, there’s an opportunity to create a not-so-passive passive income. I myself don’t mind spending 5 minutes or so writing a 100 word press release and getting paid $5 for it because $5 adds up. Generating this type of extra income in small amounts and increments adds up over time and believe it or not folks, is the answer to slowly and surely bringing yourself up into financial stability, little by little. As I said before, there is a real love affair with instant gratification in this country BUT the reality is when you want to be financially stable, you have to be realistic and be willing to make it happen by any and all means (legally) possible! (And this is a very legal way of doing it!)

With Blogitive, all you need is submit your blog and get it approved. Your blog needs to have a syndicated RSS feed. All that means is you submit your blog to Feedburner, which is easy as pie to do. You then accept or decline the web releases from Blogitive’s clients, hyperlink their site or product in your post and submit the release to Blogitive for approval. Bahda boom, bahda bing- there's an opprotunity for a weekly $5 (or much more) in your PayPal account. (And if you don’t have one of those, you can get one real easy, too. Won’t cost you a thing.)

The exciting thing is, later, ( in addition to the other opportunities Blogitive has to offer) Blogitive will be offering things like NewsNerve which is a service that will display news headlines to display on your blog. Every time a visitor to your blog clicks on it- you earn more cash. They will also offer ghost writing where you become the voice for companies or their services/products. You won’t even need a blog to participate in this service! Just your writing skills!

So if you haven’t checked out Blogitive, yet, get up on it. You’re missing out on the opportunity to write, make real money and be actively involved in making your situation better. Yes, I know- it's not millions overnight BUT as I  often end most of my posts on this subject: anything worth doing takes time.

And Blogitive definitely makes it worth your time.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just felt like crap and then someone sends you something that makes you realize you haven’t laughed or smiled all day—and then all of a sudden you’re guffawing so loud everyone thinks you’ve lost it? A friend of mine emailed me this. It’s supposed to be an email from a diver to his sister explaining what a ‘bad day at the office’ really is! (I don’t know if it’s real but I sure as hell got a good laugh out of it!)

Just another note from your "bottom" dwelling brother....

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year, the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature and then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my bum started to burn! I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression Stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my bum was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your bum.

Now, repeat to yourself: I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a bad jellyfish day?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!! lol

So I’m talking to this guy, a guy I’ve known for years who’s married to another friend of mine and he’s sweatin’ big time. He got his wife pregnant. Again. They just had a baby four months ago. They swore that the last kid was the end of their childbearing career.

He works for an aircraft plant making pretty good money and of course he and ‘Sylvia’ still aren’t making ends meet, not even with her working full time, too. They had already realized their limitations with the two kids they have. Then she got pregnant again and they decided this was it. For real. They were NOT having any more kids after this. So ‘Sylvia’ got her tubes tied after the last baby.

And now she’s pregnant again.

The only thing I can think to say to my friend who is near tears on the phone is:

“No ******* way.”

This is one of those things (and I’ve been there in one arena or another) where you recognize your limit, admit that there’s a problem and go forth completing the necessary actions to alleviate said problem only to get some cosmic whack in the you-know-what major big time. Oh, that incalculable level of helplessness a person can sink to when it seems you can’t win no matter what you do, how far you go, no matter how much energy you put out trying to get your nose level. Some greater power has the upper hand and isn’t about to let you forget it.

“I can’t- I can’t believe this is happening to me. To us!” he kept saying. “We did the right thing! We did what we were supposed to do!” I couldn’t believe it either. There had to be some explanation. Somebody had some 'splainin' to do!

We went over the possibility of whether or not the surgery was actually done. I love Sylvia to death but it could have been one of these cases like my other friend whose husband was ‘supposed’ to go in for a vasectomy but didn’t- and decided to let her know only a few months later- when she was standing in the bathroom staring dumbfounded at the positive EPT stick in her hand.

Besides the fact that Sylvia, as a diabetic, does not have pleasant pregnancies and they both dislike when she is pregnant because she becomes naggy and whiny, my friend took her to the Women’s Center himself and sat in the waiting room until they wheeled her back out some hours later. Who could forget it- he asked. The anesthetic had made her terribly sick.

I asked if she had a tubal ligation or just her tubes ‘tied’. He said he didn’t know. He said this was a ‘woman’s parts’ thing and he didn’t really pay attention to what was going to be done. He just knew that after it was done, there wasn’t supposed to be any more kids. I explained that if it was a tubal ligation, like I had, where they remove a section of the fallopian tube, discard it and burn the rest of the tube and ovary shut, there really was some ‘splainin’ to do- cuz unless my friend has Dukes of Hazzard sperm, there was no ‘jumping the bridge’ cuz the bridge is out with a tubal ligation. Oh man, without a doubt- somebody really messed up somewhere.

So I tell him that this could be the child ‘the one’. The one that invents a cure for cancer. Or is the next Martin Luther King. Or better yet- the next Jimi Hendrix.

“It would be cool. Tell me that wouldn’t be cool.” I prodded.

And after long pause he told me, “That would be cool.”

I told him- hell yeah, it would be cool. But to also remember in twenty years when the child is up on stage that it was all my idea. Therefore, I would want my cut and I get ten percent of everything little Jimi makes.

Finally, he laughed. A little.

Besides a lengthy discussion about the avenues of talking to an attorney, we also talked about other stuff that’s going on, how things are working out for everybody else and why my favorite TV show is better than his favorite TV show; then we hung up. He sounded a wee bit better at the end of the conversation. But not much.

I’m still shaking my head at it. There are lots of times when I have felt bad for people’s situations but I haven’t been this sorry for someone in a long, long time.

Somebody somewhere gots lots of 'splainin' to do.....

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Somebody emailed me this and it makes me feel I may be able to celebrate the season again.  I have never felt 'right' about Christmas and I could never bring myself to care about it the way people thought I should. I'm not very religious person, just spiritual and I like what this email iilustrates.

 Dear Friend,
>
> It has come to My attention that many of you are
> upset that folks are taking My name out of the
> season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't
> actually born during this time of the year and that
> it was some of your predecessors who decided to
> celebrate My birthday on what was actually a time of
> pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being
> remembered anytime.
>
> How I personally feel about this celebration can
> probably be most easily understood by those of you
> who have been blessed with children of your own. I
> don't care what you call the day. If you want to
> celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE
> ANOTHER. Now, having said that, let Me go on.
>
> If it bothers you that the town in which you l live
> doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just
> get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in
> a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If
> all My followers did that, there wouldn't be any
> need for such a scene on the town square because
> there would be many of them all around town.
>
> Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling
> the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas
> tree. It was I who made all trees. You can and may
> remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a
> grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that
> once in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation
> to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have
> forgotten that one, look up John 15:1-8.
>
> If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of
> My birth, here is My wish list. Choose something
> from it.
>
> 1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to
> the way My birthday is being celebrated, write
> letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home.
> They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of
> year. I know; they tell Me all the time.
>
> 2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have
> to know them personally. They just need to know that
> someone cares about them.
>
> 3. Instead of writing the President complaining
> about the wording on the cards his staff sent out
> this year, why don't you write and tell him that
> you'll be praying for him and his family this year.
> Then follow up. It will be nice hearing from you
> again.
>
> 4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts
> you can't afford and they don't need, spend time
> with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why
> I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your
> arms and remind them that I love them.
>
> 5. Pick someone who has hurt you in the past and
> forgive him or her.
>
> 6. Did you know that someone in your town will
> attempt to take their own life this season because
> they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't
> know who that person is, try giving everyone you
> meet a warm smile, it could make the difference.
> Also, you might consider supporting the local
> Hot-Line: they talk with people like that every day.
>
>
> 7. Instead of nit-picking about what the retailer in
> your town calls the holiday, be patient with the
> people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a
> kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a
> "Merry Christmas," that doesn't keep you from
> wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on
> Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on
> that day, they'd close and let their employees spend
> the day at home with their families.
>
> 8. If you really want to make a difference,
> support a missionary -- especially one who takes My
> love and Good News to those who have never heard My
> name. You may already know someone like that.
>
> 9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and
> whole families in your town who not only will have
> no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any
> presents to give or receive. If you don't know
> them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to
> the Marines, the Salvation Army or some other
> charity which believes in Me, and they will make the
> delivery for you.
>
> 10. Finally if you want to make a statement about
> your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a
> Christian. Don't do things in secret that you
> wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your
> actions that you are one of Mine.
>
> Don't forget: I am God and can take care of
> Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to
> do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the
> list above and get to work; time is short. I'll
> help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do
> have the most blessed Christmas with all those whom
> you love and remember I LOVE YOU!
>
> Your Friend,
> JESUS

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director

December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?! Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people, people!!-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces

December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not; you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard the scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Patty Leiws, Human

December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has cancelled our Holiday Party and is giving everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off, with full pay! Happy Holidays! Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director.

1. A person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.
   
   
2. You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.
   
   
3. Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.
   
   
4. Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.
   
   
5. Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts  worth millions of dollars.
   
   
6. People always have good reasons to be optimistic.
   
   
7. You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself
   
   
8. The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
   
   
9. Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.
   
   
10. If the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only  would he mean it, but also he'd do it.
    
    
11. First impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance. Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.
    
    
12. All people could expect to be accepted.
    
    
13. Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly  would be told, "Go back and slam the door."
    
    
14. Highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but  would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.
    
    
15. The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
    
    
16. Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.
    
    
17. More would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.

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I found this humorous, even though I only only have two boys I realize how relaxed everything is even from the first to the second child. I always wanted to have more children, the original plan to have at least 5 boys- a basketball team OR a gang of bloodthirsty bankrobbers who brought their stash home to mama, whichever fit better....Unfortunately, I never found anyone who was as gung-ho about raising kids as I was- of the two men that came into my life, they wanted to be the child themselves! Wiping butts is one thing, being expected to wipe the butt of a 40 year old man is something I will not do. So two boys it is. Someday they will have children themselves. And I hope they have large families so that I can be the matriarch of a huge-ass family; something that would make Rose Kennedy eat her heart out!

Your Clothes:

• 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
  
  
• 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
  
  
• 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
  
  

• 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
  
  
• 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
  
  
• 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
  
  

• 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
  
  
• 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
  
  
• 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
  
  

• 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
  
  
• 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when his/her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
  
  
• 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
  
  

• 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
  
  
• 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
  
  
• 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
  
  

• 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
  
  
• 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
  
  
• 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
  
  

• 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
  
  
• 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
  
  
• 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
  
  

• 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
  
  
• 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
  
  
• 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
  
  

• 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
  
  
• 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
  
  
• 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
  
  

• 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
  
  
• 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
  
  
• 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!
  
  

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1. "I can't find it"
   
   MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.
   
   
2. "That's women's work"
   
   MEANS: it's difficult, dirty, and thankless.
   
   
3. "Will you marry me?"
   
   MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer and there's no peanut butter left.
   
   
4. "It's a guy thing."
   
   MEANS: there's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
   
   
5. "Can I help with dinner?"
   
   MEANS: why isn't it already on the table?
   
   
6. "It would take too long to explain"
   
   MEANS: I have no idea how it works.
   
   
7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
   
   MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead.
   
   
8. "We're going to be late."
   
   MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.
   
   
9. "Take a break, Doris, you're working too hard."
   
   MEANS: I can't hear the football over the vacuum cleaner.
   
   
10. "That's interesting dear."
    
    MEANS: are you still talking?
    
    
11. "Love, we don't need material things to prove our love."
    
    MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.
    
    
12. "You expect too much from me."
    
    MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?
    
    
13. "It's really a good film."
    
    MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and women.
    
    
14. "You know how bad my memory is."
    
    MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of Only Fools and Horses, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the plate number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
    
    
15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
    
    MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.
    
    
16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
    
    MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.
    
    
17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
    
    MEANS: what did you catch me at?
    
    
18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
    
    MEANS: she refused to make my coffee.
    
    
19. "I heard you."
    
    MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.
    
    
20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
    
    MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.
    
    
21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
    
    MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.
    
    
22. "I brought you a present."
    
    MEANS: It was free ice scraper on the cover of Man and Motors.
    
    
23. "I missed you."
    
    MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.
    
    
24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
    
    MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.
    
    
25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
    
    MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my car.
    
    
26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
    
    MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

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I've found just about everything has a secret lingo. This should make the job search go much faster.

1. COMPETITIVE SALARY
   We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
   
   
2. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM
   We have no time to train you.
   
   
3. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
   We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
   
   
4. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
   You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
   
   
5. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
   Some time each night and some time each weekend.
   
   
6. DUTIES WILL VARY
   Anyone in the office can boss you around.
   
   
7. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
   We have no quality control.
   
   
8. CAREER-MINDED
   Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
   
   
9. APPLY IN PERSON
   If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
   
   
10. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
    We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
    
    
11. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
    You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
    
    
12. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
    You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
    
    
13. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
    You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
    
    
14. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
    Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
    

1. A stunned, bewildered idiot will stand at the intersection of two or more major traffic aisles so as to cause the most inconvenience to passers-by who do know where they are going.
   
   
2. Such idiot will be carrying at least one bag capable of comfortably holding a '57 Buick, and will make sudden, random turns so as to fling the bag into the shins (or worse) of passers-by.
   
   
3. When such idiot is intercepted by family and/or friends and removed from the location, they will be replaced by a freshly bewildered idiot within 3.5 seconds, maximum.
   
   
4. No matter how many signs (or how big they are) the store puts up clearly announcing "NO RETURNS OR EXCHANGES DEC 26 or 27" there will be no less than 5 morons crowded into every cashier's line who figure this rule couldn't possibly apply to them. And they'll be pretty huffy about it, too.
   
   
5. Nitwits who can clearly afford baby sitters (either that, or they're shoplifting the 5 high-end DVD players under their arm) will have the curious impression that day after Christmas shopping is exactly the sort of bonding event their squalling 3-week-old offspring wants most to do in this life.
   
   
6. The parking lot of any store over 300 square meters will contain no less than 17 Sport Utility Vehicles with dogs pretending to be ready to drive off at a moment's notice. When the supervising human does return, odds are 50/50 that the dog will occupy said human's lap as driving commences. Especially if the dog is the size of a Saturn Launch Vehicle.
   
   
7. No idiot driving a SUV has any grasp of the physical size of the vehicle, with the result being that parking them involves maneuvers hitherto unaccomplished by the entire Kirov Ballet.
   
   
8. Imbeciles paying for purchases of Items Necessary to Life (consumer electronics, compact disks, angora sweaters..) with $50 bills will be constantly complaining about the state of abject poverty they live in.
   
   
9. Seven hours before closing time December 24, Wal-Mart will start setting up displays of huge saccharine Valentine's Bears, each clutching oversized satin hearts.
   
   
10. Any mall containing a theatre will have an aroma of popcorn frying in rancid canola emanating into the hall. The smell will be strong enough to gag a maggot. And patrons will buy it at prices per ounce greater than those for top sirloin, under the impression it's somehow "healthy" for them, and that the 4 tablespoons of salt on it somehow don't count.

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If today's media got a hold of these Biblical stories . . .

1. You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
   
   
2. You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
   
   
3. Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
   
   
4. Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
   
   
5. When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
   
   
6. Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
   
   
7. The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.
   
   
8. Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
   
   
9. Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
   
   
10. Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
    
    
11. You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
    
    
12. Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.
    
    
13. You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
    
    
14. Your family prays AFTER they eat!

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• Step One:   The father of the house issues an executive order that all Saturday activities will be suspended until the garage is cleaned up.
  
  
• Step Two:   The children form a committee and produce a report finding the order totally unconstitutional because it violates the "Cruel and Unusual" clause.
  
  
• Step Three:   The committee report is voided by paternal declaration.
  
  
• Step Four:   The ruling is appealed under the "This is stupid nobody else has to do this kind of stuff" doctrine of the "Equal Protection" clause. Specific examples are cited of other children who are not cleaning their garages.
  
  
• Step Five:   The "nobody else has to" doctrine is rejected as having no bearing on the case.
  
  
• Step Six:   Each child petitions separately for the relief under the "why do I have to do it none of it is my junk" theory.
  
  
• Step Seven:   The father rules that the individuals of the household are a family, that the junk in the garage belongs to the family, and that the family has the responsibility of cleaning it up.
  
  
• Step Eight:   The children attempt to stay the executive order by evading subpoena.
  
  
• Step Nine:   The father retrieves the children from their bedrooms and declares notice properly served.
  
  
• Step Ten:   The children plead pre-existing obligations that preempt the paternal proclamation. The oldest is due at the mall, the middle child has to go to a soccer game, and the youngest is yeah me too.
  
  
• Step Eleven:   Clarification is sought from the youngest on which of the two lame excuses is yeah me too:   soccer game or the mall?
  
  
• Step Twelve:   The youngest says the soccer game.
  
  
• Step Thirteen:   The father rules the soccer game cannot preempt the garage cleanup.
  
  
• Step Fourteen:   The youngest says I meant the mall.
  
  
• Step Fifteen:   The father rules the mall cannot preempt the garage cleanup.
  
  
• Step Sixteen:   The children pass a resolution that the father is the meanest man in the world.
  
  
• Step Seventeen:   The father agrees to accept the "meanest man" amendment and calls for an end to the debate.
  
  
• Step Eighteen:   The children submit an emergency appeal on the grounds that there might be mice living in the garage.
  
  
• Step Nineteen:   The father issues an executive decree that he has authority over all rodents and that there are no mice in the garage.
  
  
• Step Twenty:   The children move for dismissal, claiming they are exempt because they have homework to do.
  
  
• Step Twenty-One:   The father consults the official Cameron family calendar and determines there is another day left in the weekend in which homework can be done.
  
  
• Step Twenty-two:   The children file a grievance with the Supreme Court of the house:   their mother. A restraining order is sought prohibiting enforcement of the father's executive order on the grounds that he never listens, he is ruining our lives, he's mean, and if he really wants the garage cleaned up why doesn't he do it himself.
  
  
• Step Twenty-Three:   A constitutional crisis is averted when the wife hands down a decision supporting the father's right to order the children to clean up the garage.
  
  
• Step Twenty-four:   The children declare themselves no longer members of the family. As stateless persons, they are not subject to parental authority.
  
  
• Step Twenty-five:   The father agrees to expedite the emigration of each child on the date they achieve their majorities. Until the parents are released by the laws of the State of Colorado from their obligations, however, the family members are stuck with each other. Meanwhile, the father identifies further sanctions to be imposed upon delay of compliance with his order, including suspension of telephone privileges.
  
  
• Step Twenty-six:   The teenagers file a brief equating telephone cut-off with capital punishment.
  
  
• Step Twenty-seven:   The father further suspends all use of the family automobile until the garage is cleaned up enough to park the car in it.
  
  
• Step Twenty-eight:   The children petition for relief from further sanctions by agreeing to clean up the garage.
  
  
• Thus, with these simple 28 steps, a bill moves through the checks and balances and becomes law.
  

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• Q: Name the four seasons.
  
  
• A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
  
  
  
• Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
  
  
• A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
  
  
  
• Q: What are steroids?
  
  
• A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
  
  
  
• Q: What happens to your body as you age?
  
  
• A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
  
  
  
• Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
  
  
• A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
  
  
  
• Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
  
  
• A: Premature death.
  
  
  
• Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
  
  
• A: Keep it in the cow.
  
  
  
• Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
  
  
• A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
  
  
  
• Q: What is the Fibula?
  
  
• A: A small lie.
  
  
  
• Q: What does "varicose" mean?
  
  
• A: Nearby.
  
  
  
• Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
  
  
• A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
  
  
  
• Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
  
  
• A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
  
  
  
• Q: What is a seizure?
  
  
• A: A Roman emperor.
  
  
  
• Q: What is a terminal illness?
  
  
• A: When you are sick at the airport
  
  
  
• Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
  
  
• A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
  
  
  
• Q: What does the word "benign"?
  
  
• A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
  
  
  
• Q: What is a turbine?
  
  
• A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
  
  
  
• Q: What is a Hindu?
  
  
• A: It lays eggs.

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My dad was an engineer for Hughes Aircraft back in the day- I love these jokes...

1. ENGINEERS - TAKE ONE
   To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. But to the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
   
   
   
2. ENGINEERS - TAKE TWO
   A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were playing golf together and found themselves waiting for a particularly slow group of golfers that were in front of them. The engineer fumed,
   
   "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
   
   The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, I've never seen such ineptitude!"
   
   The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. 'Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' "
   
   The greens keeper replied,
   
   "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime they want." There was silence for a moment.
   
   The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
   
   The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
   
   The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
   
   
   
3. ENGINEERS - TAKE THREE
   What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
   
   Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
   
   
   
4. ENGINEERS - TAKE FOUR
   Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.
   
   One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. After all - just look at all the joints."
   
   Another said, "No, it must have been an electrical engineer. Think about the nervous system, it has many thousands of electrical connections."
   
   The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
   
   
   
5. ENGINEERS - TAKE FIVE
   "Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
   
   
   
6. ENGINEERS - TAKE SIX
   An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
   
   The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
   
   The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
   
   The engineer said, "I like both." The architect and the artist replied in unison,
   
   "Both!?"
   
   Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, this way you can stay longer at work and get some really interesting stuff done."
   
   
   
7. ENGINEERS - TAKE SEVEN
   An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.
   
   The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one whole week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
   
   The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do absolutely ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket
   
   Finally, the frog asked, "WHAT is the matter with you? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and I will do anything you want. WHY won't you kiss me??"
   
   The engineer replies,
   
   "Look, I'm an engineer. I simply don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog. . . now, that's really cool."

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• My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
  
  
• I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mom knows.
  
  
• Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
  
  
• Why is it when you want a nice souvenir, you find a great shell in a gift shop, but some yo-yo has affixed a ten-cent thermometer to it?
  
  
• Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed.
  
  
• I remember buying a set of black plastic dishes once, after I saw an ad on television where they actually put a blowtorch to them and they emerged unscathed. Exactly one week after I bought them, one of the kids brought a dinner plate to me with a large crack in it. When I asked what happened to it, he said it hit a tree. I don't want to talk about it.
  
  
• My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?
  
  
• Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" "Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" "Wasn't there any change?"
  
  
• The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"
  
  
• When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

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Horoscopes For Your Job Position

1. MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
   
   
2. SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
   
   
3. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the heck can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
   
   
4. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
   
   
5. ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. Oh, and usually the first to be incarcerated.
   
   
6. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
   
   
7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."
   
   
8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT: See above - Same sign, different title.
   
   
9. CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
   
   
10. CONSULTANT: Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand, and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
    
    
11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER": As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
    
    
12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO: You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

What an Alien Species Would Learn About Humans from Movies

1.       Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people -- whether they are employed or not.

2.       At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3.       Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4.       To watch out- because most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5.       It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts; your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6.       When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7.       If you are a blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8.       Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9.       Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10.    All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

11.    All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12.    It's easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13.    Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving

14.    You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15.    Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16.    The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17.    A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18.    If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19.    If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noise in their most revealing underwear.

20.    Word processors never display a cursor on the screen but will always say: "Enter password now."

21.    Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22.    All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readout's so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23.    A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24.    If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25.    Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is the total opposite.

26.    When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

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1. "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
   
   
2. "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
   
   
3. "Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are Guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
   
   
4. "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
   
   
5. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just Bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
   
   
6. "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never Encountered automatic weapons." - General MaCarthur
   
   
7. "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
   
   
8. "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
   
   
9. "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
   
   
10. "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
    
    
11. "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever Volunteer To do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
    
    
12. "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
    
    
13. "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
    
    
14. "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
    
    
15. "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... Once." - Anonymous
    
    
16. "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
    
    
17. "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
    
    
18. "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
    
    
19. "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
    
    
20. "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
    
    
21. "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
    
    
22. "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than Submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
    
    
23. "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a Helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
    
    
24. "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough Power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
    
    
25. "Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying Club."
    
    
26. "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot Dies."
    
    
27. "Never trade luck for skill."
    
    
28. "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
    
    
29. "A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a Row Is prevarication."
    
    
30. "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
    
    
31. "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the Purpose of storing dead batteries."
    
    
32. "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a Person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about It."
    
    
33. Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems Inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the Vicinity As slow and gently as possible."
    
    
34. "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely Kill You." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
    
    
35. "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to Its Maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
    
    
36. "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
    
    
37. "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
    
    
38. Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go Near The edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

1. Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
   
   
2. Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
   
   
3. Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
   
   
4. When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
   
   
5. If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
   
   
6. On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
   
   
7. A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
   
   
8. Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
   
   
9. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
   
   
10. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
    
    
11. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
    
    
12. You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
    
    
13. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
    
    
14. Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing! It's good for the soul .

As if being the biggest accredited online university wasn’t enough, Capella University now offers the Inside Online Learning podcast. By subscribing to the podcast RSS feed at capellacommons.com/rss/, one can listen to the 15 minute feature that discusses what various students are doing with the education they have earned or are currently earning from Capella University.

This week’s podcast features Carla Chladek, the Program Manager for the Joint Staff Training Program at the Pentagon. Currently earning her master’s degree in education from Capella U, Chladek is responsible for the training requirements for over 2000 military personnel serving under the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Reminds me of my days teaching preschool…

The Cowboy Boots: (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help, and she quickly found out why he needed it. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots.

"She bit her tongue, rather than scream at him, "Why didn't you say so?" Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off his feet, when he said ... "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

The teacher will be eligible for parole in three years.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy!"

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

"Wise Up, O Men of God"

Easter Sunday, we will have a 9:30 worship service. The 11:00 will be hell as usual.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Tonight's sermon -- "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the North and South ends of the church. Babies will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

This being Easter, Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of a new carpet. All of those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.

Thursday night - Potluck supper -- prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The Ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the basement on Saturday.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The agenda was adopted... the minutes were approved... the financial secretary gave a grief report.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

Small typographical error seen in the church's bulletin: "The May meeting of the church finance committee will be hell as usual."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the rec. hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer and Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

For those who wonder if online learning has any weight behind it, all that needs to be done is to catch the 15 minute podcasts offered by Capella University. These podcasts feature students who are currently using the great education they’ve received from Capella University to further their goals in life.

Capella PhD student Carla Chladek is the focus of this week’s podcast as she describes her duties as a Programs Manager with the Pentagon. While taking on a master’s degree in education with Capella, Chladek is also in charge of training programs that educate the more than 2000 military personnel who are serving under the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

What women want in a man at age 22:

1.       Handsome

2.       Charming

3.       Financially successful

4.       A caring listener

5.       Witty

6.       In good shape

7.       Dresses with style

8.       Appreciates finer things

9.       Full of thoughtful surprises

10.    An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 32:

11.    Nice looking (preferably with hair)

12.    Opens car doors, holds chairs

13.    Has enough money for a nice dinner

14.    Listens more than talks

15.    Laughs at my jokes

16.    Carries bags of groceries with ease

17.    Owns at least one tie

18.    Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

19.    Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

20.    Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 42:

21.    Not too ugly (bald head is fine)

22.    Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

23.    Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

24.    Nods head when I'm talking

25.    Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

26.    Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

27.    Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

28.    Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

29.    Remembers to put the toilet seat down

30.    Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 52:

31.    Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

32.    Doesn't belch or scratch in public

33.    Doesn't borrow money too often

34.    Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

35.    Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times

36.    Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

37.    Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

38.    Appreciates a good TV dinner

39.    Remembers your name on occasion

40.    Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 62:

41.    Doesn't scare small children

42.    Remembers where bathroom is

43.    Doesn't require much money for upkeep

44.    Only snores lightly when asleep

45.    Remembers why he's laughing

46.    Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

47.    Usually wears some clothes

48.    Likes soft foods

49.    Remembers where he left his teeth

50.    Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 72:

51.    Breathing

52.    Doesn't miss the toilet

A Missouri State Trooper pulled a car over on I-55 about 2 miles north of the MO/AR state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Sikeston to do a show that night for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, 'cause there's no way I can pass that test."

Four expectant fathers were in a hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir! You're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow! That's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for 3M. My buddies will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time she turned to the third man, who had been very quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me, another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it. I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained consciousness.

When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering the same phrase over and over again: "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up. I should have never taken that job at 7-Up. I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..."

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, until he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the next race. Low and behold, this horse- a - very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses paced, and blessed the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a bee-line for the window and placed a small bet on the horse, even though it was another long shot. The horse the priest had blessed won the race! Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the next race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it , and it won! Mitch, as the day went on, and the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last!

Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father?" All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost! Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!

The priest nodded wisely and said "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

Capella University has been around since 1993 helping people get the education they need to make their lives and the communities around them better. There’s no greater example than Tammy Alexander, who is currently earning a master’s in education with Capella. In 2006, Alexander earned the FBI Director’s Community Leadership Award. Thanks to her position as the director of information assurance and cybersecurity training at Fountainhead College of Technology in Knoxville, Tennessee, she has worked steadily to extend programs that promote the sharing of information between the private industry and the government, particularly the FBI, as it pertains to critical national infrastructures.

Instead of studying for the last exam of their college careers, four seniors spent the night partying in the house they had rented off campus.

The next morning they waited until the test would be almost finished, and then made their way to class. Along the way they all put grease on their hands to support the story they were going to tell their professor.

The class was almost done with the exam, when all four seniors burst into the room. They told the professor that they had a flat tire along the way, and asked if they could please take a make-up test? The professor said that he was a reasonable man, so he scheduled a test date for the following week.

Their plan had worked! They studied diligently for the next week, making the most of their time. The day of the make-up test came, and they were ready for anything. Each senior was placed alone in a separate classroom for the test.

There were only two questions on the test. The first question, worth 5 points, was easy. The second question was worth 95 points, and it simply read, "Which tire was flat?"

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).

50 Miami residents turn on the heat.

45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.

40 You can see your breath.
    Californians shiver uncontrollably.
    Minnesotans go swimming.

35 Italian cars don't start.

32 Water freezes.

30 You plan your vacation to Australia.

25 Ohio water freezes.
    Californians weep pitiably.
    Minnesotans eat ice cream.
    Canadians go swimming.

20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
    New York City water freezes.
    Miami residents plan vacation further South.

15 French cars don't start.
    Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.

  5  American cars don't start.

  0  Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 German cars don't start.
     Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
     Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects.
     Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
     Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
     Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
     Japanese cars don't start.

-25 Too cold to think.
     You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 You plan a two week hot bath.
     Swedish cars don't start.

-40 Californians disappear.
     Minnesotans button top button.
     Canadians put on sweaters.
     Your car helps you plan your trip South.

-50 Congressional hot air freezes.
     Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 Hell freezes over.
     Polar bears move South.
     Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

If you're wondering what online learning can do for you, just tune in to the 15 minute podcast featuring Tammy Alexander, a master’s degree student with Capella University. Alexander, who is responsible for the extending programs that promote the sharing of information between private and federal agencies, earned herself the prestigious  FBI Director’s Community Leadership Award just last year. Alexander will ably discuss how her education with Capella is currently helping her in her position as a director of information assurance and cybersecurity training at Fountainhead College of Technology in Knoxville, Tennessee.

The podcast is available through Capella’s website at capella.edu or capellacommons.com. One can also subscribe via RSS feed at capellacommons.com/rss/.

These weekly features from this most prestigious online university will definitely show that an education with Capella is as reputable as any onsite college.

1.       I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

2.       If it's all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

3.       I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, re-living Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly, resetting the clocks in the house, while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

4.       My stigmata's acting up.

5.       I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?

6.       I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

7.       I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the supermarket.

8.       Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, can I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with MCI, but thank you for calling.

9.       Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10.    The psychiatrist said we had an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

11.    When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. Now I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

12.    The dog ate my car keys. Now we're going to hitchhike to the vet.

13.    I'd prefer to remain an enigma.

14.    I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

15.    I can't come in because I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

16.    I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

17.    I refuse to travel to my job in the district until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

1.       Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside & out, & live in it for 6 months.

2.       Run all the pipes & wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3.       Repaint your entire house every month.

4.       Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub & move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5.       Raise the thresholds & lower the headers of your front & back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them

6.       Disassemble & inspect your lawnmower every week.

7.       On Mondays, Wednesdays, & Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays & Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays & Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

8.       Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out & then getting back in.

9.       Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, & say, "Sorry, wrong rack."

10.    Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

11.    Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, & shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out & trice up."

12.    Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you.

13.    Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm.

14.    Empty all the garbage bins in your house & sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

15.    Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, & randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

16.    Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

17.    Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

18.    Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu & just ask for hot dogs.

19.    Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

20.    Get up every night around midnight & have a peanut butter & jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)

21.    Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up & dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button & tuck your pants into your socks. RUn out into the backyard & uncolil the garden hose.

22.    Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool & shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

23.    Put the headphones from your stereo on your head but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stamd in front of the stove & speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned & ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again, "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones & paper cup & stow them in a shoebox.

24.    Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

25.    Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced coffee grounds per pot, & allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

26.    Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

27.    Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

28.    Lock yourself & your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty". At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been cancelled because they need to get ready for an inspection, & it will be another week before they can leave the house.

It’s not just the outrageous fees that some banks charge for their services, it’s the fact that many of them don’t provide quick lending services that a majority of every day citizens need. As is the case for those same every day citizens, emergencies come and go- and mostly come when you’re right between paydays! A fast payday loan is perfect for anyone- from military to fast food workers to other good hard working souls that just need a break but for whatever reason don’t have the right credit. When things get stretched in between pay checks, everyone needs someone who’s willing to lend a helping hand!

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned.... "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Martin Worldwide, a well known leader in direct marketing, has created an unparalleled database that identifies leads and prospects with active buying histories. This database, referred to as ResponseCom™, was developed over decades by compiling information into one of the most extensive databases ever created. Of any mailing lists company out there, Martin clients report the most consistent rate of high response returns than any other provider they have ever used. Decades of experience has allowed Martin Worldwide to provide clients with a cost effective service tailored just to their needs. With ResponseCom™, Martin Worldwide looks to extend their highly regarded service even further.  

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars, and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back.

He claimed he was stranded and told me to sell his new Porsche and then send him the money.

So I did."

The moral of the story is to just stay away from women, they are evil! 

1.       As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2.       What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3.       E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company)

4.       This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5.       Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing 3M Corp.)

6.       Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

7.       "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

8.       We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

DiscountCondomKing.com always provides the best of wholesale and retail prices for their customers. Not only is ordering online more discreet and trouble free, there is free shipping and a nice 5% discount for any and all customers who repeat their business with DiscountCondomKing.com. No matter what you’re looking for, with the largest inventory of condoms available, customers are always sure to find the right product at just the right price. Currently offered is Japan’s Crown Condoms, the thinnest condoms available. They’ve been hailed as so comfortable it’s like wearing nothing at all! And who couldn’t use a 100 pack for only $23.95??

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."

The Monex Deposit Company (MDC) is one of the most well known precious metal investors around. When it comes to purchasing silver, one needs to find a company with experience. Monex not only has 30 years worth of experience in the precious metal industry, it offers a number of services that others don’t, such as personal delivery to independent banks or depositories. With silver bullion currently becoming one of the hottest buys and demand exceeding production, there has never been a better time to contact the hardworking, dedicated staff of Monex Deposit Company for finding the best competitive prices available.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

There’s more to Capella than just online degrees. Capella University Faculty member Sara Orem, PhD, has recently co-authored a book with Jacqueline Binkert, PhD, and Ann Clancy, PhD on Appreciative Coaching. Guiding the reader through the four stages of Discovery, Dream, Design and Destiny, one is able to discover a powerful view of their future and potential. Along with teaching in the areas of Business and Techology, Orem also has her own coaching firm, giving her first hand knowledge and experience in helping other reach their goals. Binkert and Clancy also do work consultant work with agencies around leadership issues. The book was written to focus on those who work one on one with individuals who create change or influence major decisions in organizations no matter how large or small.

A man was recently stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota.

The fellow, carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don't, I'm going to have to impound them as evidence."

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" The man asked . . .

 In Japan, they have apparently replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry. With their strict construction rules (each poem has only 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third), Haikus are used to communicate timeless messages, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.

·         The Web site you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist.

·         Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

·         Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

·         Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

·         Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

·         Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

·         Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.

·         A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone.

·         Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.

·         You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here.

·         Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

·         Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.

·         Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Those looking to improve their phone and communications systems with state of the art technologies will find just what they are looking for in Xpander Communications. Xpander is one that specializes in VOIP Small Business phone systems that are user friendly, totally cost effective and all but maintenance free. Businesses with coast to coast locations can now share the exact same phone system with the same list of options. Xpander also offers free 4-digit dialing between all inter-company locations. This cuts downs costs on long distance company calling plans as well as enhances a company’s ability to better communicate, saving time and money that commonly occur with unfortunate miscommunications.

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The boy said, "You got a deal."

The preacher took the mower and tried to start it. He pulled on the cord a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's 'cause you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been 'saved' that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him with a smile and said, "Just keep pulling on that cord. It'll come back to ya!"

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Bill Gates."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

When planning a trip to Orlando, the key to keeping expenses down when visiting Disney World is to find a reliable source for not just one but all Orlando theme parks, including dinner shows and attractions. With OrlandoFunTickets.com, one can find a variety of Discount Disney Tickets for a variety of situations. Instead having to take what’s available and planning you’re your vacation around that, you can now choose different days and lengths (from one to ten days) with a program called ‘Disney Magic Your Way’. OrlandoFunTickets.com has tickets at prices that are guaranteed to be the lowest of any other website available. This is a blessing with as many as 4 theme parks and 2 waterparks available. In fact- you may find yourself having too many options!

A long but pleasant Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking children in the class about their vacations. One little girl visited her family in Florida. Another little boy visited family in Chicago. Another visited family in Vermont. The teacher turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break.

"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we just went to Ohio."

I was with my husband at a baseball game in Boston's Fenway Park when I decided to get myself a hot dog. As I stood up, my husband asked me to buy him a beer. The young clerk at the concession stand asked to see verification of age.

"You've got to be kidding," I said. "I'm almost 40 years old." She apologized, but she said she had to insist.

When I showed her my driver's license, the clerk served me the beer. "That will be $4.25."

I gave her $5 and told her to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," I said.

She put the change into her tip cup. "Thanks," she said. "Works every time."

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"$130 dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $100.00, but it would be very painful"

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "I can save time if instead of using my normal surgical procedure, I simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers. I could get away with charging $50.00"

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $25.00"

"Marvellous," says the man, "book an appointment for my wife next week!"

It’s not uncommon for the sale of refrigerators to skyrocket during the summer. Compressors working harder to keep food cold often give out, especially in older models, and most people just find it easier- and cheaper- to replace the appliance as a whole. But who wants to go out in the heat that killed the refrigerator in the first place and look for a new one? With Krillion Localization Engine™ you won’t have to! Using Krillion, you can find anything from Hotpoint ranges to Samsung microwaves to Frigidaire Dishwashers right in your local area. All you have to do is type in your town or city, the product you’re looking for and -wallah!-  Krillion pinpoints the closest major big box retailer that has your product! No more driving from place to place looking for a replacement! No more trekking through the aisles of crowded centers!

And best of all, no more trying to pry information out of deadpan ‘customer service associates’.

From trucks to sedans to sports cars, there’s no doubt as to the level of quality and solid history Ford has built for itself in the automotive industry. Recognizing that there is no one size fits all solution to cars with such different needs and purposes, car parts such as radiators can differ from one model and type of vehicle to another. Whether it’s time to replace a Taurus radiator or a Ford F-150 radiator, Radiator.com will have just what you’re looking for. They stock a large number as well as a wide variety of high quality radiators, both vintage and high tech. If it’s Ford, if it’s a radiator, Radiator.com has it!

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
   
   
2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
   
   
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
   
   
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
   
   
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
   
   
6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
   
   
7. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
   
   
8. Dogs still have bad breath even after feeding them an entire box of tic tacs.
   
   
9. Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
   
   
10. School lunches stick to the wall.
    
    
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    
    
12. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
    
    
13. The best place to be when your sad is in Grandma's lap.
    
    
14. Moms get mad when you cut your own bangs.
    
    
15. Never put chewed gum in your pocket without a wrapper
    
    
16. Moms gets even madder when you let your friend cut your bangs.
    
    
17. Putting crayons in the microwave or the clothes dryer is a no-no.
    
    
18. It's not a good idea to shine the bathroom floor with Vaseline.
    
    
19. You can never put toothpaste back in the tube.

• 10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendonitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.
  
  
• 9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match.
  
  
• 8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?"
  
  
• 7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.
  
  
• 6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks.
  
  
• 5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronic equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.
  
  
• 4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it's soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging.
  
  
• 3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us and staying on pitch, guys.
  
  
• 2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. (Don't worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)
  
  
• 1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, "Hey, I'm a Choir Boy."

As the forerunner of security administration solutions, Symark Software has once again unleashed an innovative safety program that guards sensitive information on Linux and Unix based programs. As these programs are often used in human resources and financial venues, companies can now keep information safe while staying well within federal and state guidelines. A host of features and state of the art technology easily spoil both internal and external threats to basic root accounts. The company offers other safety programs as well, but to learn more about this Password Vault, one should inquire with Ellen Libenson Dan Borgasano of Symark Software Schwartz Communications, Inc.(800) 234-9072 (415) 512-0770

Whether it’s emergencies, renting a car or ordering online, nowadays Credit Cards are just a requirement of life. With so many credit cards each offering ‘the best deals around’ it can be difficult to figure out just which one is telling the truth! On top of that, you want to be sure that the credit offer is extended from a reputable firm. The last thing you want to do is offer your sensitive information to some fly by night operation. CreditCardSearchEngine allows both companies and individuals alike to compare credit card offers from only the most reputable of companies side by side. This makes getting the best deal not only easier but safer.

After being interrupted by a telemarketer at dinner, I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT & T and it went something like this:

Me: (swallowing) Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

Me: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort). No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that "friends and family" thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: (click)

Ushers will eat latecomers.

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy!"

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

"Wise Up, O Men of God"

Easter Sunday, we will have a 9:30 worship service. The 11:00 will be hell as usual.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

If the idea of investing in gold coins has ever interested you, Monex Deposit Company can help you with all your needs. Whether you’re a first time investor or a an old pro, individuals from all walks of life can appreciate the company’s dedication to customer service. Not only do they offer currency in the for of bullion or ingots, Monex will arrange for a personal delivery right to your bank or depository. But don’t feel that your choices are limited, as Monex also offers investors silver coins as well. A dedicated and knowledgeable staff can advise what the market is doing at any time. This ensures you will always get the best investment possible.

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on "Global Organized Crime." The author who introduced the story swears it's true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm a FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're a FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is a FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is a FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

CLICK.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.



In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.



People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"



No one expects you to run into a burning building.



People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.



There's nothing left to learn the hard way.



Things you buy now won't wear out.



You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.



You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.



You get into heated arguments about pension plans.



You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.



You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.



You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.



You sing along with the elevator music.



Your eyes won't get much worse.



Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.



Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.



Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.



Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

While the country of Mexico is wild and exotic, it also thoroughly modern and the best way to take that extravagant vacation without worry. Those looking for unforgettable Mexico Vacations need look no further than Karisma Hotels. With beach beds, beach butlers and beach side barswings, this is the place for the truly elite. Vacationers can rely on stress free service and an all inclusive gourmet level style of dining. There’s no better way to relax than swaying with the ocean breezes as you look out over the Mexican Caribbean. Wide screen televisions can be found in every room along with a number of other state of the art amenities. A host of water activities and local sightseeing is offered as well. There are a number of hotels in the Karima line, including a club that caters to nudists. Karisma Hotels are truly at the forefront of the hospitality industry.

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."

"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."

"Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could give your wife-to-be a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.  (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember anyway!)

Who said the way to financial freedom was meant to be difficult? Many have found their way to earning a viable flow of cash in the easy, trouble free vending machine market. With multivend machines you can be sure that you are getting state of the art, secure equipment that guarantees an easy to run business. No matter what type of vending machine you’re looking for, Multivend is guaranteed to have just what you need at a reasonable price. With a wide array of equipment available, vendors can now reach a more diverse market than ever for. This ensures better profits and a fulfilling, successful business.

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half- gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half- gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United!

I've never donated blood to any organization before, preferring to leave it inside my body so the mosquitoes know where to find it.  The idea that there are hospitals and charities and relief organizations--really, a whole industry--dedicated to sucking blood out of people frankly makes me want to hold a cross in front of me and go to sleep wearing a necklace of garlic every night.

Oddly, I often have the same reaction to Peter Jennings.

But then an appeal from the Red Cross made me change my mind about the whole thing, because with so many demands being made on the blood supply from so many directions, they give free cookies.

I showed up at the blood donation center feeling a little nervous. My anxiety only increased when I saw the ambulance parked as a precaution near the front door and the half dozen people milling around wearing white coats.  With all these emergency medical personnel in the area, I worried they might have already run out of chocolate chip.

I don't know what I expected.  I suppose I thought that draining a person's circulatory system would be similar to changing the oil in an automobile.  But the whole thing starts with a questionnaire, wherein they gather your entire medical history. Apparently they need to be very particular about sharing blood, so that, for example, a Sagittarius only receives blood from a Sagittarius, and a narcoleptic never gets a donation from an insomniac, lest he wind up a person who is always falling asleep, but can't. The medical technician assigned to help me with the questionnaire pulled out his clipboard and regarded me professionally.  "Now, Mr. Cameron, first question: Are you feeling healthy today?"

"No, not really," I responded truthfully.

"Oh?"  He tapped his pen on the paper.  "What's wrong?"

"I've sort of been low on sugar," I told him mournfully, glancing meaningfully at the table where they kept the cookies.  "Plus I'm worried I might have something seriously wrong with my pancreas."

"Your...pancreas?  Why do you say that?" he asked.

"Well, I've had everything else tested," I explained.  "So I figure it must be the pancreas."

"Hmm...are you under the care of a doctor?"

"Oh, yes!" I informed him brightly.  "I talk to the doctor nearly every day!"

"What does he say?"

"He says not to call him so much," I replied.

"I meant about your pancreas.  Does he agree?" the technician elaborated.

"Oh, yes, of course.  Well, not totally.  Actually, no.  But it is my body, after all.  I feel like I should know what's going on with it," I affirmed.

"You can feel it?" he pressed.

"Of course!  It's right here."  I showed him where I often had pancreatic fits and spasms.

"That's actually your liver, Mr. Cameron."

"Oh."  I laughed lightly.  "Here?"

"Kidney," he responded, shaking his head.

"More here."

"That's your heart."

"Well, anyway, my doctor hasn't yet come up with a successful treatment," I continued.

"I see."  He frowned at his clipboard.

"Do you think maybe we'd be more comfortable conducting this interview at the cookie table?" I suggested.

"Okay, other than the pancreas issue, you feel fine?" he inquired hopefully.

"Oh, no.  I need to see an ear, nose and throat specialist," I advised.

"How come?"

"For my ear, nose and throat," I said simply.

"I see.  Well, we'll take your temperature in a minute, and if that's normal, we'll go ahead and answer this question 'yes'," he decided. "Is that alright with you?"

"I often run fevers that don't register on the thermometers," I warned him.

"They don't...register?" he repeated.

"The medical name for them is 'stealth fevers'," I informed the technician.  "Well, at least, that's what I call them.  My doctor is very concerned.  He has me e-mail him every time I get one, no matter what time of day or night.  I used to just call, but he says e-mail is better."

"Ah."  The technician looked a bit distressed, perhaps worried I might be contagious.

"You seem a little down," I told him.  "Would a cookie help?"

"No," he sighed resignedly.  "It's just that I suddenly realized something awful."  He raised his eyes sadly to mine.  "This is just the first question. I've got 32 more."

Anyone who has ever owned a car has probably found a need for auto accessories at one time or another. The worst part is driving around from store to store trying to find the perfect part or component that matches a certain make, style and type of vehicle. Wouldn’t it be easier to go online and find a one stop venue that has all the right parts for whatever car, truck, SUV or minivan you drive? BuyAutoTruckAccessories.com not only offers this, they guarantee they have the lowest prices around. With an easy to use online shopping format, the accessory you want will be easy to find, pick out and pay for. If it goes on your vehicle you’re sure to find it here.

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
   
   
2. Clumsy?  Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
   
   
3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
   
   
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
   
   
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
   
   
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be too afraid to cough.
   
   
7. Have a bad toothache?  Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about that toothache!

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials actually stand for"What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord... " Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles carpooled in a Honda, for as it says... "The Apostles were all in one Accord."

Whether to increase job satisfaction or earning power, there is hardly a working adult around that hasn’t felt the need to further his or her education to get ahead. However, the idea of returning to a classroom environment can be so intimidating, many turn the idea down before they give it a chance. With capella university one can get just the education they need without ever having to leave the comfort of their home or office. The reputable online college offers a vast number of accredited courses and brings students in attendance from all over the world into one single virtual classroom. Interested? For more information,  just call 1-888-CAPELLA (227-3552).

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."



"With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke."



"Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, that don't hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous."



"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for."



"The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected."



"The short memories of American voters is what keeps our politicians in office."



"The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best."



"Our public men are speaking every day on something, but they ain't saying anything."



"The budget is a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, and then tries to reach in and pull real beans out."



"If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics."



"Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."



"The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf."



"The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."



"I don't want to complain, but every time they build a tax structure, the first thing they nail is me."

1. My family coat of arms ties at the back ... is that normal?
   
   
2. My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.
   
   
3. My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
   
   
4. Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
   
   
5. My hobby is genealogy, I raise dust bunnies as pets.
   
   
6. How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?!
   
   
7. I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap ...
   
   
8. I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged.
   
   
9. I'm searching for myself; Have you seen me?
   
   
10. If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help ...
    
    
11. Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem leads to two more!
    
    
12. It's 2000 ... Do you know where your Great Great Grandparents are?
    
    
13. A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.
    
    
14. A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots.
    
    
15. A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away.
    
    
16. After 30 days unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.
    
    
17. Am I the only person up my tree ... sure seems like it.
    
    
18. Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.
    
    
19. Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
    
    
20. FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.
    
    
21. Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease but I love it.
    
    
22. Genealogists are time unravelers.
    
    
23. Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide ... I seek!
    
    
24. Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
    
    
25. "Crazy" is a relative term in my family.
    
    
26. A pack rat is hard to live with but makes a fine ancestor.
    
    
27. I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand.
    
    
28. I Should have asked them BEFORE they died!
    
    
29. I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days.
    
    
30. I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNE flower.
    
    
31. Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress.
    
    
32. Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality.
    
    
33. Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
    
    
34. It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening or a thief.
    
    
35. Many a family tree needs pruning.
    
    
36. Shh! Be very, very quiet ... I'm hunting forebears.
    
    
37. Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
    
    
38. That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!
    
    
39. I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes.
    
    
40. Genealogists live in the past lane.
    
    
41. Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!
    
    
42. Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree
    
    
43. Alright! Everybody out of the gene pool!
    
    
44. Always willing to share my ignorance ...
    
    
45. Documentation ... The hardest part of genealogy.
    
    
46. Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
    

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1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
   
   
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
   
   
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
   
   
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
   
   
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
   
   
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
   
   
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
   
   
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
   
   
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
   
   
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
    

1. HP/Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
   
   
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
   
   
3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy disk back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the 'tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door (to the room).
   
   
4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to print anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to print a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and pressing the "Print Screen" key.
   
   
5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bath tub with soap and water, and soaked the keyboard for a day. Then he removed all the key buttons and washed them individually.
   
   
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user said he tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still said: "couldn't find printer."
   
   
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn-on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal, but nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
   
   
8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The 'tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point -- because the man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
   
   
9. Tech Support (reportedly a true dialog):
   "Bob, press the Control and Escape keys
   at the same time. That brings up a task list
   in the middle of the screen. Now press the
   letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
   Customer: "I don't see a "P".
   Tech: "The keyboard, Bob."
   Customer: "What do you mean,  'P' ?"
   Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
   Customer: "I'm not going to do that!!!"

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Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.



My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.



The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.



I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.



I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.



I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.



I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.



The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.



If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.



And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

1. The town newspaper is published monthly.
   
   
2. It has an aquarium -- stocked with live minnows.
   
   
3. The town is named after EVERYONE'S distant relative.
   
   
4. It was founded on April Fools' Day as a practical joke.
   
   
5. The Ice Cream store has only two flavors, chocolate and vanilla.
   
   
6. There's no hospital -- only a first aid kit.
   
   
7. For fun on Saturday nights, people drive up and down main street.
   
   
8. There's no bank... as soon as someone gets enough money, they leave.
   
   
9. The only traffic jam's are caused when a farmer drives down Main Street on his combine.
   
   
10. The local phone book has a yellow page.
    
    
11. Third Street is on the edge of town.
    
    
12. The 7-11 is only open from 8 - 5.
    
    
13. The only road crossing Main Street is a dirt road.
    
    
14. At the last beauty contest, nobody won 2nd or 3rd place.
    
    
15. The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both direction.
    
    
16. There's no place to go that you shouldn't.
    
    
17. "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.
    
    
18. The New Year's baby was born in October.

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• The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.
  
  
• The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font.
  
  
• A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
  
  
• Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
  
  
• Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
  
  
• The reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
  
  
• The reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
  
  
• Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

1. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
   
   
2. Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel.
   
   
3. You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.
   
   
4. 15-Minute Jiffy Lube lasts for only 3 days.
   
   
5. Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."
   
   
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?"
   
   
7. While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.
   
   
8. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.
   
   
9. You keep losing dates on left turns.
   
   
10. Your gas gauge measures in cubits.
    
    
11. Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
    
    
12. It hasn't been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.
    

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After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband,  stunned at his wife's speechlessness, replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

1. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
   
   
   
2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
   
   
   
3. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
   
   
   
4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
   
   
   
5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
   
   
   
6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
   
   
   
7. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears, "You've Got Mail."
   
   
   
8. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
   
   
   
9. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
   
   
   
10. He can't stick his head out of Windows XP.

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George and Harold are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, George opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Harold up. "Harold- you up yet?" asks George.

Harold sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

"Harold, open the newspaper to page 31."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Harold, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"

"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"

"Harold, look at the bottom of column !"

"OK, OK, stop yelling in my ear!" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.

Finally, Harold comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So George, where are you calling me from right now?"

1. (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP!
   
   
2. This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message.
   
   
3. The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.)
   
   
4. The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...) The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator. (Click, beep, dial tone.)
   
   
5. Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now? (or) (Long pause, sound of phone dropping, sleepy voice:) Argh! (Pause.) Hello... (Sound of phone dropping, then a yawn.) Sorry man... I'm a bit tired at the moment... (Long yawn.) I'm going back to sleep now... Just going to switch the answering machine on... (or) Hello? (Pause. Roommate's voice:) C'mon, Matt, we're gonna be late! - - Hold on, there's someone on the phone! Hello? -- C'mon, dude! -- Hello? Aaah, whatever... BEEP
   
   
6. Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
   
   
7. (Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
   
   
8. Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
   
   
9. Blah, blablablah, blah, blah. Blah? Blah blah. Blah. BEEP
   
   
10. Pick up the phone and say:) This is Chris. I'm not here right now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.)
    
    
11. Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.
    
    
12. Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks: 10Q) You're welcome!

Sometimes, when dieting and exercise simply aren’t enough, losing weight can require a little extra help. With all the recent scares over the myriad of weight loss procedures lately, considering the option of weight loss surgery  can be rather daunting.

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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were among the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it's me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

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1. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
   
   
2. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
   
   
3. There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.
   
   
4. In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was mis-identified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.
   
   
5. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
   
   
6. In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
   
   
7. Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."
   
   
8. In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
   
   
9. The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.